Home < What You Think About After Jesus Almost Took You Home

What You Think About After Jesus Almost Took You Home

Posted on November 18, 2014
By Nikki Martinez
Old Car in Field Heard On Air Blog

I could have died tonight.

Yeah, you know those thoughts of, “I wonder what I need to take care of for tomorrow?” Tomorrow would have, could have, not come for me. Me sitting here, past midnight, typing this blog entry, may not have existed.

If you’re wondering how, it’s because I zoned out. 

See, most of the time, my driving skills aren’t bad. I mean, when you have a police officer father teach you how to drive, there tends to be this sense of “always aware of your surroundings” that gets established. I’m not here to brag, but I’m surprisingly a good driver: 1 ticket ever (and it was for a few weeks expired inspection sticker), only 2 accidents ever (that neither were my fault), and a caution to my driving that always tends to keep my eyes everywhere on the road. I don’t take dumb chances, because your driving tons of metal, on 4 rubber wheels, going places at anywhere from 45-60 mph!

But I guess you have those moments where something fails. For me, it was my peripheral vision the last 3 minutes of my drive home. I’ve timed it out: from the new studios to where I live, if the lights are almost all green and no one’s around, it takes about 9 minutes to get home. Tonight, a good 6 minutes of my drive, I was focused. But those last 3 minutes, those crucial 3 minutes, I started zoning out.

Actually, let me re-phrase that. I started zoning into only what was in front of me. I saw a green light, I went forward. I saw the car in front slow down and then stop, I slowed down and then stopped. And seeing that almost no one else is driving around Tyler at almost midnight, his shouldn’t be too big of a problem. But all it takes is a split second of your peripheral vision not kicking in, and BAM, it’s all over.

Thankfully, God was protecting me like the UTTERLY AMAZING PROTECTOR He is!!!

Let me explain what that last minute of the 3 looked like:

There’s this 1 intersection that’s super close to my apartment that people have made mistakes at. Over time, they’ve made changes to it to try and help, which I guess has, but just a smidgen. At this intersection, the light was green. No, not a “I’m about to turn yellow” green, but more of a “I just turned green so you have time” green. The car in front of me kept driving, and so I followed suit. As I did, thankfully I sped up just a mile more then I was previously at, because as I passed the intersection, all I could hear on my right-side, towards the back of the car, were wheels somewhat screeching and breaks trying to be put on… but then a change of driving and pulling away really fast. As I passed the intersection I realized I could’ve been run into at who-knows how fast the guy was going, probably totaling my car, flipping it, or killing me. I could’ve been a few seconds from my home, with the right-side of the vehicle completely damaged, myself banged-up horribly, or worse. Even now, while spilling all these thoughts out, I can hear cars outside speeding like dragsters, possibly putting someone else in danger with some craziness they’ve decided was “fun.” PLEASE Father, keep the others caught in the middle safe!

 

As I’m contemplating the “What-ifs” and “Could haves,” I can’t help but want to cry, scream, but praise Jesus all at the same time. I know I can’t really do the first 2 because people are sleeping (aka The Hubby), but as sure as I have this valuable breath in my lungs, I can soooooo PRAISE GOD!!!

When I pulled into the apartment complex driveway, all I could do was sit in my car. I was in shock…actually, I’m still in shock (which is probably the other reason why I physically can’t cry or scream either). I can’t help think, “You saved me Lord…but why?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not scared of where I’m going after this life comes to a close, and as Nathan and I have talked about, we know Christ can take us home whenever He sees fit. But, as a human, I still am curious and I question, “Why? What do you have for me to do God?” 

I believe with everything in my being that God doesn’t let moments like that, possible near-death moments like that, happen just to freak you out so He can get a good laugh. There’s a reason, a purpose, and honestly I feel humbled to know that He would protect me that way. And not only protect me, but protect The Hubby from the pain of losing his newlywed wife. Protecting my parents from having to bury a child. Protecting my friends from mourning, grieving, and hurting from loss. I’ve been spared, my car (that I just recently paid off) was spared, my bodily functions were spared, and I believe my spirit to continue to be Christ’s light was spared.

I may not know the why, and I may not be able to go to sleep tonight because the question will be keeping me up, but I know I am BLESSED!! I am Blessed, I am grateful, I am speechless and in disbelief. I don’t want to take anything for granted. I want to continue to strive to be Jesus’ light in a dark world. I want to love Nathan as only a wonderful Proverbs 31 wife could. I want to treasure every single moment. And I don’t want to EVER lose my peripheral vision again due to trust in the “easy” drive home.

1 Comment

  1. Overcomer67

    Very glad you are still with us! Your statement “You saved me Lord…but why?” made me think about a situation in my life from many years ago. One fine spring night when I was 13, I wrote a note stating that I could no longer live this life, consumed an entire bottle of aspirin, and went to sleep feeling more at peace than I ever remember having felt up to then, or since; I was going HOME. Imagine how I felt when I woke up in the morning: very sick, ANGRY, in total shock, ANGRY, wondering WHY I was still alive, and ANGRY. My father was not present in my life, my mother had died when I was very young (but thankfully not before injecting God into every aspect of my young life), and now I was stuck living an unbelievable life in a home where I was being abused in every way possible. WHY??? WHY did you save me, Lord? Sometimes I still wonder that, because in no way did my life get or feel any easier from then on. Rather, that day I grabbed the note and the empty aspirin bottle and hid them in my book bag, dressed for school, and went on like it was just another day. I couldn’t tell anyone, of course; I would have not been immediately removed from the home like they do now, I would have been left there during an investigation, and that would have just made things so much worse. Some days I’m still angry that God saved me. WHY??? I spent the next 4 years being abused, finally moved out, and proceeded to drink and party my life away. Met a boy. Got pregnant, married one week before my beautiful baby boy was born and one week after my 20th birthday. Got divorced 9 months later. Met another guy, and married him less than a year after my divorce was final; we had a bitterly abusive marriage. Yes, I was abusive also; I tend to not take any crap without dishing it back, horrible character flaw. Produced two more beautiful baby boys. Divorced–finally–after I could take no more of the “we are the perfect family and I am the perfect worship leader in our perfect church” hypocrisy. Lord, WHY? Remarried, have been for 15 years just a couple weeks ago. Produced one more beautiful baby boy and lo and behold a beautiful baby girl. In the middle of this marriage–which is sometimes pretty rocky, he’s not a believer, and I still am, and I am still very, very broken–we lost our beautiful, Victorian home and moved to a suburb townhome. And right there across the street, found the most wonderful church. I have a Home on Earth now, for which I am SO thankful. Through my desperate days–sometimes month-long bouts of deep, suicidal depression–they are there for me; and praise God for church on the ‘net! When I’m doing better I give back, every so happily. So only SOME of my days now do I ask Lord, WHY? But through ALL of my adult life, I have ALWAYS said that I wouldn’t be half the person I am today. I may be broken, but I am not bitter. I may be angry–wow am I angry–but sometimes I’m angry because I never stop hearing about people going through some or all of what I’ve been through. And I may be emotional, but this is the best of all and maybe the answer to that “Lord, WHY?” question, because it means that I have not lost empathy and compassion, that I am capable of loving people and our God, and that, just maybe, WHY is my ministry. Bless you, Nikki, and thank You, Lord, for reminding me that my life is not about the day to day weariness and dreariness, that I need to stay focused, not start zoning out. Because when I am not focused, when I zone INTO the day to day weariness and dreariness, that is when I am broken and useless.

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