Mike Harper
89.5 KVNE Mornings

Christmas is a time for families, friends, and Christmas parties! And of course, any time you have a group of people together, you have the potential for some fascinating “people watching.”

Ever notice when friends greet each other at social gatherings? There are two distinct categories of greetings. These are known as the “long-highs” and the “short-lows.”

Women tend to own the long-highs. I think somewhere along the road to womanhood, they are required to perform the following greeting: Upon seeing their friends or loved ones arrive at the party, they must stop what they are doing, race to the newcomer, lean in with the classic head-over-the-left-shoulder-hug, and lightly tap the recipient on the back with their right hand. All the while bellowing in a high, friendly, sing-song voice, loud and long, “How are YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU?” The ‘you’ should slowly descend in pitch. (Bonus; include a compliment on the woman’s hair or outfit.)

As you probably could guess, the man, conversely, is exactly the opposite with the “short-lows”. Men have had absolutely no training in this area, and for some reason can get away with much less enthusiasm and gregarious inflection. If you get as much as a grunt and a handshake out of a man, you have witnessed a rare event indeed. Though many men have advanced to actual low-pitched monotone phrases such as “Good to see you” and “How’s it goin’,” these exceptions are limited to those with wives who require them to at least pretend they have been raised by human beings. The biggest concern a man has upon the greeting is making sure he has a firmer handshake than his male opponent.

So now you know! This Christmas, when you’re at the social function of your choice, if there’s even a trace of doubt about a fellow revelers’ gender, take this handy guide with you for immediate and accurate identification. That’s the high and low, and the long and short of it!

See you at the next Christmas party! (oh, and nice shoes!)

Love,

Mike (advanced guy greeter)

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